I really hate you now more than ever. Because now everything you did is coming back full cycle. Everything that you did to me is coming back and starting to effect me again. And I really don’t want it or need it to again. I am starting to be really happy with someone. I have found someone who genuinely makes me happy. And he tries too. Those are things you never did. But I can’t trust him. I can’t feel 100% safe with him. The thought of it all happening again just keeps coming back to me. All because of you. You don’t even know what you did either and that also makes me angry. You thought everything you were doing was fine and it was okay to abuse me. And I tried to stop it and stop you but you were not going to let that happen. I tried to end it and get out of it but somehow every single time I tried, I got myself deeper and deeper in the hole I was trying to escape from.
Someone tried to be sweet the other day. He touched my face, and I knew what was coming next. Yes of coarse I knew he was trying to kiss me. And I wanted to kiss him so very badly. But my body had a mind of it’s own. Instead, everything tensed up. My jaw locked and I say up really straight and closed my eyes. I stopped breathing. My hand went to my face and had to move his hand. It was embarrassing. He was sitting there and he looked so concerned and all I could do was tell him I truly was okay and he didn’t want to know why I did that. I wanted to kiss him more than anything, but I couldn’t. Because all I could picture coming after that kiss was my past repeating itself.